Big Dumb Ralph

So it’s official Ralph (my dog) is the biggest idiot on the face of the planet. He was roaming around the back of the house and I went to call him in since it was raining and I didn’t want to deal with smelling wet dog for the next hour.

So when I called him his head poked around the side of the house and he saw some guy walking down the street in front of our house and he goes full-retard and runs at the guy barking and growling. He hits the end of his tether, but his tether snaps in half. HIS STEEL CABLE TETHER! Luckily Ralph was only born with half a brain in his big mammoth-sized head and doesn't realize that he's earned freedom through brute strength. Braveheart would be proud. He stands there at the edge of the yard, barking, hopping and growling at this guy who's now running for his life down the sidewalk.

My attempts to call him back into the house are promptly ignored until I get out the bag of "Snausages". He quickly prances in through the front door and sits with the corpse of his "SUPER BEAST" tie out hanging around his neck. Annnnnd freedom contained. What would he do with freedom anyways?? He'd wander the streets whimpering, always looking for somebody to rub his ears, maybe try to find some rabid animals to play with? "Wherez R mah yummy cheeze stuffed deer antlers?? Y izn't there couch 4 mah 2 nap ohn? Where iz mah my squeeky blu mahn?!?"  Besides, with captivity come Snausages.

If I was less cautious I'd be tempted to clip the useless steel back onto his collar and let him out again, just to see if he'd figure out he wasn't actually clipped to anything. But I won't tempt fate. I think he'd figure it out soon enough. One of his favorite past-times is running until he's inevitabily yanked backwards by the steel cable.

How Much Do I Hate Giada De Laurentiis? ALOT!

So this weekend while I was sick I buckled down on the couch for a Food Network marathon. One thing that struck me overall - I REALLY HATE GIADA!!

Like no joke. She's incredibly annoying in a fake patronizing way. With her big fake smile on her oversized head. And the way she talks like she's just so helpful with all her "knowledge" and "experience" making desserts with store bought cake mix. It comes off like she's talking to somebody's retarded 6 year old.

So beyond all of that, she has an annoying tendancy to overpronounce EVERY word that could possibly be interpreted with an Italian spin. And I know what everyone's gonna say, "But, she IS Italian!" So what?? When was the last time you met someone who was actually Italian who pronounced Spaghetti like that?? That's right! NEVER!! It's annoying. She's like one of those "Shove it in your face Italians" like the uber-proud ones. Like making a decent pasta sauce means their culture has accomplished something.

And is it really necessary to expose that much cleavage while making tiramisu? Like really?

She irks me so much that I cannot stand being in the same room while she's on TV. Infact I've barred her from my TV. My home is a Giada-Free Zone. I have a hard time believing anyone actually enjoys listening to her. I say listening because my suspicions are that the only reason she still has a show on the Food Network is that her rating are based solely on pathetic husbands at home watching their kids while their wife is out getting her nails done, who are desperate for the sight of someone, anyone's cleavage.

Gimme Chef Pasquale any day.

Jughead's Resolution

I'm confused as to why people think that when the calendar hits 01/01 it automatically means everyone should improve themselves? I must have been asked what my resolution was about a 1000 times... Ok, maybe once, by someone I really didn't like. But it irked me!

What was my resolution? She couldn't even give me the props to assume I was successful at the non-existant resolution I had (not) made for myself. She asked what was! Like she couldn't have been bothered to feign like I was successful at anything. My resolution is to be ME b*tch! My resolution is to be the same awkward overeating self I have always been. I think I might just come up with resolutions for the next time she asks me, and I know she will. "You know what, I did think of something... My resolution is to GAIN 20 pounds just so you have something to talk about. Fair enough?"

It actually might be quite difficult. The fact that I eat copious amounts of food (like I mean ridiculous quantities) and am still a size 5 eludes me. I'm actually famed for ordering cheeseburgers with sides of cheeseburgers. I'm basically the female version of Jughead from the Archie comics.

I just don't understand why women seem to be so snide and catty. I remember being younger and it used to really hurt my feelings, and I just tried soo hard to make everyone like me. I've since realised that no matter what you do somebody is always going to pick at you, and try to make you out to be less than you truly are, and I stopped trying so hard and have just fell into a comfortable, wonderfully easy sense of self.

I just don't get why people demean one another so much. It just seems so terrible to me. Maybe it stems from the same place that compels me to watch people eat glass, chalk and laundry soap on My Strange Addiction. Or maybe it stems from the same deep dark place that gives me such an animosity for Sidney Crosby. He's just so gross. It always looks like he's just slammed a giant glass of milk. Nasty milk breath, ugh! It gives me the willies!

Anyways! That's all for now! I leave you with the glorious image below...

Cheeseburger... yum!

Checkers <3 out!

Lynch-Factor & Traumatized Toddlers

Okie Dokes!

Soooo I've been super-duper bored lately since I've been off work sick. So I decided to do a little blog to help keep my mind busy.

I watched Glee tonight for the first time. I didn't really want to watch it because I'm stubborn and everybody raves about it. The only reason I decided to watch it is because I LOVE JANE LYNCH! She makes me wet my pants she's so ridiculous. So I loved the Lynch-factor but ultimately I found everything else about the show kind of annoying. The over-dramaticized singing made me gag and the fact that at the end of the show Sue Sylvester didn't even get to shoot anyone out of the cannon totally disappointed me. I was soooo looking forward to that!

I also watched Toddlers & Tiaras and realised how narcissistic and insane pageant moms are. It's amazing how far removed from reality these people are and it's insane to me that any parent would instill these crazy value systems in their kids. Spray-tanning your 4 year old kids and feeding them Red Bull while telling them "You have to be beautiful to do things..." Crrraaaaazzzzzyyy!

What else??

I'm totally stokered that the Caps won tonight! Shut-out against the Pens! Yeeeeah!!

Anyways, I guess I'll pop in later!

Checkers <3 OUT!